THE INTERNAL WAR BETWEEN SPIRITUALITY AND NON-SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF

A learned treatise into the conflict between biblical representations and reason in 21st century Jewish thought.

Why is Masada considered an heroic chapter in Jewish history? Is it because it was actually heroic or because it was deemed necessary, by Jewish communal intellectual authorities, for it to be looked upon, and given lip-service to, as heroic? What is “heroic” about a bunch of Jews committing suicide? It was, indeed, a communal profession of religious conviction but why has it been hailed as “heroic”? Do Jewish children strain their intellects in puzzlement while trying to internally compute this incident as heroic on a par with, say, the Spartan stand at Thermopylae or the early American defense of the Alamo? How extensive a suspension of disbelief is required of young Jewish minds to accept this interpretation, that lying down and committing suicide is as valiant as armed resistance? Logical reasoning dictates that what is true for the few is equally true for the many. Would it be “heroic” if we were to all lie down and present our jugular veins when faced with a seemingly hopeless situation? ………………………..
Why is the story of Purim looked upon with such celebratory joy even to the extent of communal approval of drunken revelry? If the fate of an entire people is based upon the individual allure of one woman’s sexual paraphernalia to the eyes of a heathen potentate, is it not more of a dire warning than a miraculous rescue? If Vashti had acceded to Ahasueros’s order to dance nakit, Esther would not have had the opportunity to strut her stuff and win the old bastard’s heart (together with his private parts). What kind of subliminal message does this narrative give to young Jewish males? Could it be that manhood and the readiness to resort to armed conflict is not as efficacious as the sweet essence of female pudenda when the Jewish people are in jeopardy? ….
If Solomon was so wise, why was he such a horny geezer with hundreds of wives and concubines? How does inordinately vast wisdom and knowledge reconcile with grotesque and profligate licentiousness? Solomon built Jerusalem but then he gilded the temple walls with gold and, in doing so, enticed every money grubbing despot in the known world to come and get it. How many Israelites, men, woman and children, died because of the gold hanging on those temple walls? Do we accept Solomon’s folly as the accomplishment of a wise and noble monarch because it is truly so or because we have been conditioned to accept it as such despite the strain such belief exacts on credulity? Why should GOLD have had such a place of supreme importance in the ancient Jewish conception of God’s priorities. Did God care whether the temple wherein his children prayed was plated with gold? Would his children’s prayers have been invalidated if they had been offered in a more modest setting? As we give lip-service to professions of longing for the ancient “Jerusalem of Gold” do we really yearn for a spiritual connection in which gold is immaterial and irrelevant? …………….
Moshe Rabeynu, a.k.a. Moshe “Hung So Lo“ Rabeynu, a.k.a. The Yeshiva Bucher, will continue this incisive and stimulating discussion in the near future. You can access Moshe’s blog at HTTP://theyeshivabucher.blogspot.com
Shalom and Zei Gezunt!

ADVENTURES OF AN OLEH CHODESH

I went to Israel on aliyah as part of a revolutionary new concept in immigration. Instead of the designation "oleh chadash" I went under the designation "oleh chodesh". I predetermined that one month of shtuyot would be all I could take so that is what I signed up for. When I arrived ba'aretz, I listed all my assets in the U.S. for the tax ministry officials who seemed quite interested. They kept getting my name wrong and calling me "Yehudi Asheer“. I also underwent the prescribed mandatory full body cavity search for wads of currency and jewels. The tax collector who performed the rectal probe did not use lubrication. He told me that "to be an Israeli, you have to be tough!" I was glad that I had the foresight to bring along a supply of KY jelly. I spent my month as an oleh chodesh waiting on lines at the Sachnut and various other governmental bureaucracies and sampling the Israeli ambience and cuisine. I grew quite fond of olives and cucumbers. Israeli pizza is quite distinctive! Instead of pepperoni, they use chicken livers. I drove to a number of new settlements to see where I might have lived had I decided to stay longer. An interesting option was a town called "B'nei Bakak" overlooking an Arab shanty town on the West Bank. The night life was rather limited as there was only one little kiosk where you could sit and “lishtot caffe“. The Israeli Sabra women were rather standoffish and kept saying "learn Hebrew!" when I tried to be friendly and speak to them. So I adapted the "international language" and would just extend my tongue and wiggle the tip at them. I find it amazing that women all over the world understand the "international language". I visited several kibbutzim but the men I encountered were all depressed looking. When I inquired why they looked so miserable in such a sunny, picturesque little community they replied that, "since their kibbutzim stopped utilizing Volunteers, there are no longer any horny loose volunteer girls from Europe and the U.S. to shtupp. They had to go back to masturbating in the orchards and raiding the dairy barns" The driving patterns in Israel are quite unique. To save road space, Israeli drivers tailgate within eight inches of the car in front of them. I rented a car and drove around for a day and a half straight. I was afraid to slow down to stop because there was always an Israeli driver speeding along right behind me by only inches. The highlight of my month was when I saw a Russian immigrant urinate publicly on a street in Tel Aviv. How did I know he was Russian? His speaking to his associates in Russian gave me a clue. It was then that that deep emotion overcame me and I appreciated what aliyah meant. "L'hyot am chofshi", to be a free people. And what is freer than a man displaying his circumcised organ under the bright Israeli sun and freely urinating? After my month was up, I returned to my home in the U.S.A. whistling "Ha Tikvah" and "God Bless America".

I HAD A DREAM!

I had a nightmare last night and I am still shaking. I know there must be some deep and hidden meaning behind it and I am hoping that someone out there might be able to help me interpret this dream, as Joseph helped the Pharaoh in ancient Egypt. I dreamt that I was the meat in the sandwich between Tzippi Livni and Sarah Palin, you know what I mean, that I was “Lucky Pierre”. But, in this dream, upon my awakening in the morning, I had a terrible taste in my mouth and found myself between Golda Meir and Madeline Albright. Oy, gottenyu!!

DOES GOD CARE IF I PLAY WITH MY PETZY?

AN UPDATED TREATISE ON THE NEED FOR A SEMITIC MODERN MASTURBATION MENTALITY

By Rebbe Moshe “hung so lo“ Rabeynu, March 23, 2009
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CHILDREN AND ADOLESCENTS MUST BE INCULCATED AS TO THE BENEFITS OF MASTURBATION IN THE ATTAINMENT AND MAINTENANCE OF A HEALTHY MIND AND A HEALTHY BODY! PENT UP SEXUAL FRUSTRATION IN CHILDREN HAS NEVER BEEN HONESTLY AND ADEQUATELY DISCUSSED AND DEALT WITH IN JEWISH DISCOURSE AND DOCTRINE. MODERN LIFESTYLES AFFORD INDIVIDUALS THE PRIVACY AND HYGIENIC FACILITIES NECESSARY TO MASTURBATE IN A PRIVATE, DIGNIFIED AND SANITARY MANNER. ONE CAN WELL UNDERSTAND THE IRE THAT WAS AROUSED BY MASTURBATING INDIVIDUALS FOUR THOUSAND YEARS AGO WHEN AN ENTIRE LARGE FAMILY LIVED TOGETHER IN A TENT IN AN ARID LOCATION. NOBODY WANTED TO HAVE A WAD OF FLYING JISSUM HIT HIM IN THE EYE OR LAND IN HIS HUMUS. WATER WAS SCARCE AND ONE HAD TO WALK , SOMETIMES LONG DISTANCES, TO THE WELL TO GET IT, IF IT WAS AVAILABLE AT ALL. UNDER THESE CIRCUMSTANCES IT WAS A CHOICE OF WATER FOR DRINKING OR WATER FOR WASHING EJACULATE OFF OF ONE’S HANDS. THIS IS WHY THE EARLY SAGES WERE SO VOCIFEROUS IN THEIR CONDEMNATION OF MASTURBATION. WE JEWISH PEOPLE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A HORNY BUNCH AND, IF THERE WEREN'T THESE SEVERE STRICTURES AGAINST MASTURBATION AT THAT TIME, THERE WOULD HAVE BEEN ERRANT CUMSTAINS ALL OVER THE PLACE AND THE SMELL OF FRESHLY RELEASED JISSUM WOULD HAVE WAFTED FAR AND WIDE, EVEN WITHIN THE HALLOWED HALLWAYS OF THE SACRED TEMPLE ITSELF. TIMES HAVE CHANGED. IF PARENTS TODAY STRESS THE BENEFITS OF MASTURBATION TO THEIR CHILDREN, THEY WILL HELP LESSEN THE OCCURRENCE OF STDs, AND UNPLANNED PREGNANCIES. SCHOLARSHIP LEVELS WOULD INCREASE DRAMATICALLY WITH THE RELEASE OF PENT UP ADOLESCENT EJACULATORY TENSION. .WHAT PARENT HASN’T FRETTED AND WORRIED OVER THE MOODINESS AND SURLINESS OF HIS ADOLESCENT OFFSPRING? THERE IS REALLY NO MYSTERY AS TO WHY THE LITTLE BASTARDS ARE ACTING OUT SO WILDLY. THEIR HORMONES ARE CAUSING THEM HIGH LEVELS OF DISCOMFORT AND FRUSTRATION. INSTEAD OF MAKING THEM MASTURBATE FURTIVELY UNDER THE BEDCOVERS IN A NIGHTLY GUILT- RIDDEN FRENZY OF PENT-UP SEXUAL DESIRE, THEY SHOULD BE GUIDED TO A CIVILIZED AND GUILT-FREE MASTURBATORY REGIMEN. IF NECESSARY, PARENTS SHOULD SET AN EXAMPLE FOR THEIR CHILDREN AS TO THE PROPER METHODOLOGY FOR THIS ACTIVITY AND FOLLOW UP AND MAKE SURE THAT THEIR CHILDREN ARE MASTURBATING REGULARLY AT AN OPTIMUM FREQUENCY. KEEPING A MASTURBATION DIARY COULD BE A VERY USEFUL TOOL IN MAINTAINING THE PROPER SCHEDULE. EVERY PARENT SHOULD ASK HIS CHILDREN ON A DAILY BASIS, "DID YOU DO YOUR HOMEWORK AND MASTURBATE TODAY?" OH, OF COURSE, THE CHABADNIKS AND THE FRUMNIKS AND THE HAREDINIKS WILL YELL OUT, "BUT RAMBAM SAID THIS, AND RASHI SAID THAT AND RABBI AKIVA SAID THIS, AND THAT, ABOUT THE EVILS OF MASTURBATION." PROBABLY ALL THREE OF THEM WERE MASTURBATING WHILE THEY WERE WRITING THESE STRICTURES, ANOTHER CASE OF "DO AS I SAY, NOT AS I DO". WE MUST NOT CONTINUE TO LET OTHERS DO OUR THINKING FOR US UNDER THE GUISE OF DIVINE REVELATION AND RELIGIOUS EXPERTISE. WE CANNOT LET BACKWARD LOOKING ZEALOTS WITH THEIR ARCHAIC, OUTDATED AND ANACHRONISTIC MORALISTIC MISCONCEPTIONS CAST THEIR PALL OVER THE HEALTH-CONSCIOUS MASTURBATORS OF THE WORLD. SHALOM AND ZEI GEZUNT!

A MALE EXOTIC DANCER'S ALIYAH TO ISRAEL

Greetings, ladies and gentlemen, from your friendly former exotic dancer, Moshe Rabeynu. I am interested in establishing a "Chippendales" type establishment in Israel. What type of assistance and tax benefits does the Israeli government provide to new businesses of olim chadashim? Are there many such entertainment facilities in Israel? I would like some idea as to how stiff the competition would be. Do Israeli women, as a rule, like to look at males dancing in skimpy G-strings? Are they generous tippers? Would they put a shekel to the shmeckel? If I hire other olim chadashim as dancers, would they have to pay any taxes on their tips? Can I employ dancers who have not had a bris ? I might want to hire one or two to add variety to the show’s lineup. Is a liquor license hard to obtain in Israel. Do I have to bribe any officials to receive one? To whom is it customary to pay proteksia money to start a business and keep it going and approximately how much to they ask for? . It’s not easy having to retire from all the glamour and the excitement. I yearn to shave my legs and pubic area, don my good old G-string once again and to get back into the limelight as the leader of a first rate male exotic dance review. I have put on a little weight over the course of my retirement years but I have started an exercise regimen to tighten my pecs, glutes and abs which the ladies like so much. I am going to undergo penile enlargement surgery while I’m still living in the U.S. to compensate for the “shrinkage” of old age (as George Constanza would describe it). I would have had it done in Israel after aliyah, however, the Jewish Agency Representative told me I would have to pay an import duty on the implant device in Israel because it was over nine inches. The Israeli Government limit’s the size of a penile implant to 4 ¾ inches to qualify for the oleh chadash tax and import duty exemption. I explained that this was a work related expense and an integral part of the Male Exotic Dance business but he told me that Israel as a socialist society and they didn’t see why anyone should require an implant in order to have such exceptionally large genitalia. I asked him, “what about each according to his ability, each according to his needs”. I explained that if I were going to be a success in my chosen line of endeavor, I would “need” to pack the gear. The whole matter is still up in the air and I have come to the conclusion that he is angling for a bribe or payoff either for himself or a cohort. He told me on the QT that it might be possible to fudge the official import manifest paperwork to look like the importation of two 4 ¾ inch implants instead of one 9 ½ inch implant. I could certify that I was orthodox and one implant was “milchadikeh” and one was “flayshekikeh”. This whole rigmarole will have to be steered through the immigration bureaucratic process by unseen hands so I assume someone, somewhere, will require a payoff. Additionally, I have been advised that there might be a problem with the Rabbinate. They feel that it is unseemly for a woman to place her tip in the male dancer’s G-string. They said that they will require that all the dancers carry “pishkahs”
(containers with slots on top) like I had to carry around, when I was in Hebrew school, for the Keren Kayemet. I asserted that if the ladies want to put their sheckels by the shmeckles and get a little peek and a little poke in the process, this is their right as “am chofshi”! The male dancers will be instructed to carry the “pishkahs” but the ladies can place their tips wherever they please, be it in the dancer’s pouch or his “pishkah” slot. I’ll have to sign off for now. I’m getting some new G-strings made up and I have an appointment for a fitting.

MOSHE RABEYNU'S HONG KONG ADVENTURE

One day, while I was vacationing in Hong Kong, I misplaced the key to my hotel room. I called the hotel manager and told him that I needed a new key as soon as possible. Three minutes later, a prostitute showed up at my door saying “Manager tell me you want nooky quick-quick. You give me hundred dollar, I give you number one nooky!” I tried to explain to the young woman, “No, I want a NEW KEY, not your nooky!” She got angry and yelled at me, You want nooky but not MY nooky! What wrong with MY nooky? My nooky clean, just wash this morning!” “You don’t understand me”, I told her, “I need a NEW KEY!”. “And I need hundred dollar!”, she replied at the top of her voice. “Well“, I thought to myself, “since I can’t leave without a new key, I might as well avail myself of the opportunity.” That is when I got my Chinese nickname. When I took my drawers down, the young woman exclaimed, “You hung so lo!, you hung so lo!” “No, I told her, my name is Moshe Rabeynu, I’m not Hung So Lo. I’m not even half-Chinese.” “For China“ she replied “you hung so lo!” So that is how I became known as Moshe “Hung So Lo” Rabeynu in China. I went to the hotel manager and told him, “ I need a new key for my room!” “I already send up nooky for you”, he told me and added, “number one nooky. What the matter, she no go your room?” “Yes,” I answered, “a girl came to my room, and yes, she was quite spectacular and I gave her a tryout but she wasn’t what I really wanted. I need a New Key!” “Ah, now I understand”, said the manager, you no want girl nooky. You want new key from Sum Yung Boi! I get Sum Yung Boi for you!” “No, No”, I exclaimed quite embarrassed, “I do not want some young boy. I want a new key!” The manager appeared to be losing his patience and exclaimed, “If you want new key, you have to get Sum Yung Boi to go to room!” “But sir”, I tried to explain, “I am not gay. If some young boy came to my room, it would be a waste of time!” “How can be waste of time”, he answered, “you want new key, Sum Yung Boi give you new key!” With this, the manager picked up his phone and spoke rapidly into it. “I paged for Sum Yung Boi, he be here soon!” , he told me. I was mortified and wanted to leave the lobby but the manager continued conversing, “Before, when you asked over phone for new key, I thought you wanted nooky. Ha Ha Ha, we have misunderstanding. Now I realize that all time you needed Sum Yung Boi!” “No No“, I responded, worrying that I would never be understood, “I don’t want some young boy. I’m not gay! I need a NEW KEY, A NEW KEY!” At this moment an elderly man came up to us dressed in some kind of work uniform. “Here is Sum Yung Boi”, said the manager, “He go up to room with you and give you new key. Make you happy” “But, I don’t want nooky from this fellow, and, besides how can you call him some young boy? He looks to be seventy or seventy five years old.” The manager looked as if he reached his point of exasperation and yelled at me, “This man’s name is Sum Yung Boi! He is locksmith for hotel! He will check lock to room and give you NEW KEY! You want New Key for room from Sum Yung Boi or not?” “Yes”, I replied, totally embarrassed. “I’ll go up to my room with Mr. Sum Yung Boi and he will give me a new key. I‘m sorry for the misunderstanding!”